How to Be Avoidant

The things we don't confront begin to control us. Inspiring quotes for people with dark existential yearning. Pema on meditation and other shit. Three new tunes on the TSB playlist.

All our Sundays are paywalled — but if you can’t afford to pay for a subscription at this time, email me: ajd@thesmallbow.com and I’ll hook you up.

Oh what a Sunday — AJD

*****

About a year ago, my AA sponsor stepped down from chairing our regular Sunday meeting because he said he was burned out and wanted to try a new meeting. This caught me off guard, and I was a little distressed by it. I assumed we'd coordinate a new meeting, but we couldn't find a time that worked for both of us. I found a new meeting on my own, he found his, and we have both continued to stay sober, so that's all that matters, or at least that's what I'm supposed to say, but I see now that I was pretty bitter about it.

I had no plans to drop my sponsor due to that, but without the weekly routine of our shared meeting, I realized I no longer wanted to do any step work with him, nor consult with him about anything important happening in my life. I was bored and antsy and needed some spiritual defibrillation. I knew it was time to move on, but I wanted to wait until I found a new sponsor.

A few weeks ago, I found one. I asked, and this person accepted. All that was left to do was to call my old sponsor and let him know what's up. I kept delaying it, mainly because there was so much space between now and our last conversation. I realized I don't even remember when our last one was. Months. Six—eight, maybe? I thought that his absence in my life would make it easier to end things with him, but it did not.

I'm sure this all sounds strange and overly sentimental, but this man helped me find my footing in this new, beautiful life I inhabit. We went through the steps a couple of times, and since he's a tattoo artist, every time I finished a step, I'd get a new tattoo. I hate the fact that I have so many damn tattoos on my body now, most of them acquired past the age of 40, but they do provide a unique map of my spiritual transformation. Still, I'm not a thirteen-tattoos-type of guy. I stopped taking my shirt off at public pools because I don't like to be reminded of them. And when I was in South Carolina a couple of weeks ago, I kept my shirt as I splashed in the waves with my children because I didn't want to be reminded of my old sponsor.