“I wasn’t sure from moment to moment whether I was enjoying myself or not. I kept asking myself if I was doing something I didn’t want to do, or doing something wrong.”
one of my many debts to the small bow is how AJ has so consistently introduced me to new writers. I struggle with what my body is and what it can do and aging into my late 40s as a single man with no children and a lifetime of body shame, relationship shame and a hundred other things to feel bad and uncertain about. thank you Erin
Wisdom, love, and bracing clarity. I especially appreciate the distinction between abstinence and discernment. Learning discernment in any area is tough for those of us in recovery, especially so in the inflamed territory of erotic desire, intimacy, and sex. I too used booze as leveler, reducing desire to yes/no outcomes. Mostly yes. I too was fearful of sober sex, and then discovered what I had been missing in full heart/body/spirit lovemaking.
But here’s a distinction: male genitalia has an overt, comical and sometimes embarrassing reaction to ambivalence. We are either hard, or we aren’t. Men learn to deceive ourselves in a myriad of ways to get hard, and prove our manhood to our lover, even in sobriety. But the longer we are sober, the harder (sorry) it is to practice self-deception in bed.
The good news is also the bad news: our genital barometer forces us to face some hard (sorry) truths. I knew a relationship I had recently with a woman I deceived myself into believing I was going to marry was in deep trouble when I routinely lost my hard on for her. “Don’t worry,” I told her, “it happens sometimes to guys my age.” Meanwhile I was routinely jerking off to completion.
So men and women in recovery are the same in many ways trudging the road of sober sex, with all its nuance, confusion, and ecstasy. And in one way we are different. Thank you Erin.
Just here to say how much I appreciate the honesty here. Just the idea (as much as I want it) of emotional or physical intimacy is terrifying.
one of my many debts to the small bow is how AJ has so consistently introduced me to new writers. I struggle with what my body is and what it can do and aging into my late 40s as a single man with no children and a lifetime of body shame, relationship shame and a hundred other things to feel bad and uncertain about. thank you Erin
Wisdom, love, and bracing clarity. I especially appreciate the distinction between abstinence and discernment. Learning discernment in any area is tough for those of us in recovery, especially so in the inflamed territory of erotic desire, intimacy, and sex. I too used booze as leveler, reducing desire to yes/no outcomes. Mostly yes. I too was fearful of sober sex, and then discovered what I had been missing in full heart/body/spirit lovemaking.
But here’s a distinction: male genitalia has an overt, comical and sometimes embarrassing reaction to ambivalence. We are either hard, or we aren’t. Men learn to deceive ourselves in a myriad of ways to get hard, and prove our manhood to our lover, even in sobriety. But the longer we are sober, the harder (sorry) it is to practice self-deception in bed.
The good news is also the bad news: our genital barometer forces us to face some hard (sorry) truths. I knew a relationship I had recently with a woman I deceived myself into believing I was going to marry was in deep trouble when I routinely lost my hard on for her. “Don’t worry,” I told her, “it happens sometimes to guys my age.” Meanwhile I was routinely jerking off to completion.
So men and women in recovery are the same in many ways trudging the road of sober sex, with all its nuance, confusion, and ecstasy. And in one way we are different. Thank you Erin.
Love this piece. Erin is such an outstanding thinker/writer/artist. Thanks for linking to Erin's illustrated essay in Memoir Land. <3
“my instinct towards shame crept up through the shower drain” — loved this. thanks for sharing, erin ♥️