What It’s Like to Be Addicted to Gambling
Our next check-in is here: “I'd gamble my paycheck and spend the week DoorDash-ing after work to get essentials.”
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Ok — let’s start the day.
Money: It’s hard to talk about. People don’t want to talk about it. So many places shame can attach: how you got your money; where you spend your money. But shame isn’t a reason to bottle things up; precisely the opposite. What we’re ashamed about is what we need most to discuss.
In that vein, we’re gathering submissions for a “What it’s like” to be addicted to gambling.
To kick it off, I’m sharing an essay from an anonymous reader who is in the fragile early stages of recovery.
Here’s a sample:
“I started going to Gamblers Anonymous late in the year. It was helpful and would make me hopeful, but I wasn't ready to stop. It came to a head this past April with another late rent payment. I came clean for the third or fourth time to my girlfriend. She was understandably upset, but she didn't leave. After spending a few nights on the couch, we discussed and developed a plan centered on transparency and financial safeguards.”
As usual, we’d love contributions from everyone else who knows — or worries — that their gambling is a problem.
Here are the details of how you can submit your entry:
All contributors will remain extremely anonymous.
Please keep contributions to under 500 words.
Send your stories here: tsbcheckins@thesmallbow.com
Subject: GAMBLING: WHAT THIS IS LIKE
Anyone who submits gets three free months of TSB Sundays
—TSB EDITOR
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One-and-a-Half Years of Self-Imposed Hell
By Anonymous
My gambling addiction took hold in the fall of 2023, when I discovered online slots. I was visiting a state where “legit” casinos have a legal online gambling presence. I deposited $50, won, and quickly ran it up thousands of dollars. Then I lost almost all of it throughout the rest of the trip.
When I got home, I discovered ways to play online slots in the US through semi-grey market “sweeps casinos” and through crypto casinos using a VPN. That’s when it really took hold. By the end of the year my credit cards were shut off and my checking account was thousands of dollars in the red. I called my dad, spilled my guts and asked for a loan. I promised I’d never do it again. He sent the money and I lasted about a month without a bet.
2024 was essentially a non-stop gambling year. I managed to keep my car, my relationship, and a roof over my head — but just barely on all counts. My girlfriend moved in with me halfway through the year. I had told her about my gambling problem but promised to stop. But it was clear something was up. I was constantly out of money. I’d secretly pay rent late because I had gambled it all. I took out payday loans, withdrew from my investment accounts, and borrowed more from family. I’d gamble my paycheck and spend the week DoorDash-ing after work to get essentials. I regularly worked 60 to 80-hour weeks with nothing to show. At one point towards the end of the year, I had a lucky streak and briefly had enough in the bank to wipe the slate clean. It was gone within a week. I started going to GA late in the year. It was helpful and would make me hopeful, but I wasn’t ready to stop.
It came to a head this past April with another late rent payment. I came clean for the third or fourth time to my girlfriend. Something finally snapped in me after a year and a half of self-imposed hell. She was understandably upset, but she didn’t leave. After spending a few nights on the couch, we discussed and developed a plan centered on transparency and financial safeguards. She told me she didn’t know if she wanted to stay, but I needed to make a change if she would even consider it. I thought that was fair.
As of today, I have gone 66 days without a bet. My girlfriend, my family, and GA may have saved my life. I’m in a state where gambling has only recently expanded and convenient GA meetings are not necessarily easy to come by — but as luck would have it, there is one less than a mile from my home, on a night when I am always free. I haven’t missed a meeting since I placed my last bet.
In 66 days, my life and dire financial situation have not transformed, but it has gotten a hell of a lot easier. I can pay the rent and buy shit that I need. Debt will take some time, but a good chunk will be paid off this year. My credit rating won’t let me buy a house for the next 7 years, but I might be able to help with a down payment before then. I no longer have the stress and guilt of hiding an active addiction from people I love.
I think the human cost of gambling expansion has yet to be truly realized, and it’s going to be horrible. The GA meetings I have been to are still mostly people well over 50, but there is a growing contingent of millennials and Gen Z. There are multiple active subreddits where kids are pouring their heart out about their addiction. I’m in my late 30s; obviously my impulse control is not good, but I can’t imagine having access to this as a teen with even worse impulse control.
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MORE IN THIS SERIES:
What It’s Like to Be Addicted to P*rn
"Things I’d never said out loud — not even to myself — I shared with relative strangers, some of whom had just checked in that day. I went in there confident I would never talk about paying for sex with strippers, never talk about looking at animal porn, and sure as hell never describe how many times I’d been unfaithful to women."
What It's Like to Have Money Shame
"I also have $230K in student loan debt, although I always say that never bothers me; debt just doesn't feel real, I think, not in the same way paying someone to watch and teach my daughter to do things I can't do. So, between using money to get out of debt or pay for childcare, I will always prioritize the present."
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All Illustrations by Edith Zimmerman
