To commemorate our 7th anniversary and Recovery Month, we are offering a 20% discount on all annual subscriptions throughout September.
If our newsletter has helped you feel less wicked and alone, less shitty or afraid, then please consider financially supporting us. Subscribers gain access to the entire archive, the Sunday essay, the complete recommendations roundup, and the comprehensive rundown of my weekly recovery program.
If you’d like to become a paid subscriber but can’t afford it at this time, email me: ajd@thesmallbow.com and I’ll hook you up.
Clear eyes, full hearts, etc. — AJD
Here’s an email a reader sent to us a few weeks ago:
“I would love to see a ‘What It’s Like to Be Addicted to Marijuana.’
I think, similar to gambling (maybe?), the expansion of the legality of weed is changing things with much more prevalent problematic use. But the cultural shrug of "it's just weed" is still conventional wisdom. Pot addicts (and the people who love them) need to know they're not alone! Thanks for considering. TSB is precious to me.”
This is somewhat of an annual request, and I’ve always ignored it because I wanted to stay on the side that weed is, in many ways, one of the “good drugs” that helps people with depression, anxiety, and chronic pain. Plus: it’s less deadly than booze. Plus: It’s just weed!
But many people struggle with it in all the ways that people struggle with the more lethal drugs. (Mar-Anon has plenty of full rooms.) Quitting weed is a terrifying prospect for many, including hundreds of TSB readers who’ve either shared about it in an email, a check-in, or one of our meetings.
Now we’d like to hear more from you: What’s your relationship to weed right now? Do you want to stop, but can’t?
All contributors will remain extremely anonymous.
Please keep contributions to under 500 words.
Send your stories here: tsbcheckins@thesmallbow.com
Subject: WEED STORY
Anyone who submits gets three free months of TSB Sundays.
And below, I asked a friend of mine to submit our first check-in, hopeful that some TSB-ers could relate. —AJD
*****
When Stoned Me Becomes Depressed Me
by Anonymous
******
Hi it's me! Your friendly neighborhood high-functioning pothead in a state where weed has been legalized and so mainstreamed that you can buy THC drinks even at places that aren't dispensaries or liquor stores.
Recognizing that cannabis is truly addictive—and can be downright brutal to get sober from (I’ve heard about withdrawal symptoms like irritability, sleep issues, bathroom issues, weird menstrual cycles) has actually been helpful to me. It doesn't make the addiction bit easier, but thanks to places like TSB and r/leaves, I recognize that the addiction is not just a moral failing or weakness. Just because other people use it casually with no issues doesn't mean that I personally suck for having issues with moderation.
I don't know what the ideal solution regarding legalization should be. Part of me misses the thrill of the hunt, the "you get what you get" of it all. I think a lot of greedy capitalist bad actors are involved in the industry. Seeing a video of big batches of white THC powder being processed is a bit of a bummer compared to the smell of a nice little kind bud. As an addict, I wish it weren't so damn accessible. But I would rather tolerate this than see people, especially marginalized people, locked up over weed.
In an ideal world, I'd be completely sober, with extra time on my hands, a clearer head, and wealth from all the money I've saved. Lately, I'm taking a 10mg gummy a day, which is not abstinence, but better than smoking several pre-rolls or innumerable bowls per day (Those were my prior habits. I do love the smell of it and the instant gratification of puffing.)
Weed does help my perimenopause symptoms. But it also worries me about my long-term brain functioning. I always know it's time to cut back when stoned me starts becoming synonymous with depressed and withdrawn me. I think someday I am going to have to come clean, when my kids are older, about this journey so that they know, if/when they experiment on their own, that these tortured feelings and difficulty weaning are in their genes.
*****
Your turn: tsbcheckins@thesmallbow.com
Subject: WEED STORY
MORE IN THIS SERIES:
What It's Like to Have Money Shame
"I got a $35K bonus from work in 2023, and it all went to debt. I closed out the year having accumulated that exact amount of debt again."
What It’s Like to Be Addicted to P*rn
“Things I’d never said out loud — not even to myself — I shared with relative strangers, some of whom had just checked in that day. I went in there confident I would never talk about paying for sex with strippers, never talk about looking at animal porn, and sure as hell never describe how many times I’d been unfaithful to women.”
What It's Like to Use Ketamine! (For Your Depression.)
"I started to consider looking at Ketamine Assisted Psychotherapy in the summer of 2022. I am in long-term sobriety, connected with mutual support/12-step communities, and therapy. I was having a terrible, no-good time related to shame, depression, anxiety, and my general sense of self. I felt like I was doing the work and taking healthy actions, but I was beyond stuck."
*****
NEW TSB PODCAST EPISODE: On trauma, EMDR, poetry, and forgiveness.
All Illustrations by Edith Zimmerman
I'm happy you're running this one soon! My thing has always been alcohol, and for me weed is one of those good/occasional/happy things... but in an IOP program i was in a couple of years ago, there was a guy whose cannabis addiction had totally taken over his life, in a really similar way that alcohol did for me. Neither of us had crazy party stories or DUIs or anything—we just retreated further into ourselves & away from real life and our families/friends. We were checking out of work, our hobbies, and most of the things that motivated us. It was just like a silencer on life. Really reminded me of how "normal" drinkers are confused by my relationship to alcohol—he said other people had a hard time believing the hold that weed had on him.
https://smithjonathan212.substack.com/p/notes-toward-a-theory-of-cannabis?r=54rj2k