Your Child’s Happiness Does Not Depend Upon You Shotgunning That White Claw
A back-to-school guide for sober parents.
Well hello again, friends. It’s back-to-school season. Historically a fretful time here at The Small Bow. Perhaps you feel a bit itchy right now. Dreading your kid’s new best friend’s parent suggesting a happy hour get-together? How will you respond? Your child’s happiness depends on it! (It does not.) For those with this particular set of anxieties, we’ve got some oldie-but-goodie TSB stories we think will hit the spot.
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Why Am I Still Like This?
“I’ve dreaded the first day of school since an hour after my children were born, not because of any sentimental yearnings for them not to grow up but because I am terrified of interactions like this. Wednesday would be even more challenging — it would be my daughter’s first real day and my son’s first Pre-K day, so there would be even more parents and more opportunities for me to be off-putting and weird. I half-seriously considered the real impact on their socialization if I kept them at home for a few more years until I was ready for prime time.”
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I’m Driving
“It was a beautiful day, not too hot, and I decided I wouldn’t worry about what I wore too much because I thought I’d probably just sweat all over it anyway. Besides, if I wore beat-up jeans and a hat and an old t-shirt, it would look like I was staining the deck or fixing the sprinkler system, some useful and impressive chores. Whatever sort of lies I needed to tell myself to get there were fine. I needed to be there for Meaty. That’s it. This isn't about me. Just gonna show up, smile and be as normal-seeming as possible, and try not to shit my pants when someone offers me a piece of birthday cake.”
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Guess What? That’s Not My Problem!
“Even worse is telling people MULTIPLE times I don’t drink! Friday after school at the park, another mom thoughtfully brought me a hard kombucha for at least the third time. I know it comes from a good place, so I gently reminded her, but then it was awkward.
My go-to lines are ‘Three small children already make me feel hungover in the morning, and I don't need any more handicaps’ or ‘I quit while pregnant and just never went back.’ That one might not work for you. Also, ‘Have you ever changed a diaper hungover? No thanks!’”
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ALL ILLUSTRATIONS BY EDITH ZIMMERMAN
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Fathers feel it too when the parents are hanging out. New connections were easier for me to enjoy because I could reinvent. Old connections with kids my age wanted to party and dropped me. Divorce didn’t help, but nothing was influencing me into going back.