*****

I never got more than a few hours of sleep as a kid — I had horrible anxiety that led to deep Bedtime Dread and kept me awake until the sun would start coming up, almost every night. In middle school, a gym teacher told me I looked “haggard” (you could say that to kids in 1997). One day my mom got the idea that “books on tape” might help me; a bunch of trashy 90s novels and a cassette player with those spongy foam headphones changed my life. I could lie there with my eyes closed, distracted enough to not play my improbable-death-scenario/humiliation highlight reel in my head. I miraculously started to fall asleep before 2AM. I bought dozens of cheap tapes at a store called Half-Price Books: Lolita, Persuasion, Middlemarch, a Monty Python double-album that I can still recite from memory. I used audiobooks to fall asleep into college and beyond, and it was only around the time I had babies and nearly died from lack of a REM cycle that I started looking into the whole “sleep hygiene” thing. Now, I watch with depraved covetousness those 100-step "bedtime practice" videos made by single 30somethings on Instagram, with their red light lamps and mouth tape that they bought while having zero kids and gobs of time and disposable income. I have lots of children and can’t commit to some elaborate set of ablutions or pricy devices, but I try to create a set of cozy circumstances that I can actually look forward to. As a result my brain has learned that getting in bed is now “a treat” and not a “major surgery level” dread event. For me, that means a cool room and a hot mug of tea, a kindle Paperwhite with the brightness turned way down, a clean, fluffy duvet, and some “weed-for-babies” CBD/THC tincture. I hate that the answer has always kind of been “changing my thinking about sleep,” but, applied correctly, I’m out by 10, 10:30. A miracle! Unfortunately, my husband is a bad sleeper and stomps around the house all night, eating and banging into stuff like a Kodiak bear in a camper van. I’m trying to convince him to get in bed with me at 8:30, but for some reason he’d rather eat our kids’ snacks and watch “Faces of Death” until 4 AM. 

*****

I used to be unable to fall asleep without smoking weed, which I did for insomnia more than to get high. It was having an impact on my mental health, so I went cold turkey after Thanksgiving (hahaha) and for a while, relied on either prescribed hydroxyzine, melatonin, or Benadryl to try to sleep instead. No natural supplements have ever worked. I tried various bedtimes from 9 to midnight, tried reading books and limiting screen time. But mostly, it’s a fight no matter what I do . . . so my current sleep method is to read Wikipedia pages about English medieval history until I fall asleep with my phone in my hand. It’s like I can’t stand to be with my own brain and thoughts in the silent dark for any period of time.

*****

I sleep better now, and it is one of the best ways my mental health is better. It didn’t happen overnight, but it did happen over a couple of years . . . trying out new things, one little thing at a time. 

I used to have such a hard time falling asleep. My mind would go on spin cycle . . . the thing in my relationship that was falling apart . . . the thing at work that someone did to me (sometimes I wasn’t making it up!) . . . the ways to fix it. 

I started with keeping a journal beside my bed, to write down everything if I just couldn’t sleep. It helped sometimes, waking up at 3 am and going back to bed at 4. It was there the next day. Sometimes solutions made more sense after coffee. 

It turned out the simplest things were the best for sleep. Exercising. I started running a little more, and then a little more, and then I was really tired at day’s end. I slept great. I started to learn that a even a little running helped. 15 minutes was better than nothing. 

The sleep apps are a huge help too. I really like Ten Percent Happier, especially Oren Jay Sofer. Such a mellow dude. A great one is “Putting the Day to Rest.” He talks about how whatever happened that’s keeping you up, it must mean a lot . . . and let’s take a moment and focus on it, if you need to . . . and then whatever it is, it’ll be easier to deal with it tomorrow. It’s like Pavlovian now. I’m like “that’s so right . . . such a good point . . . snore.”

*****

I recently moved house, and that was just the start of my deep, dreamy sleep. For the last five years, I’d been sleeping on a lofted bed in my old space — a thin Ikea mattress perched on an elevated wooden ledge. Its main purpose seemed to be housing dust bunnies, books, earplugs, and bobby pins that migrated from my hair, paws, and sheets while I slept. I didn’t think much about it back then; life was pretty cool, working as an artist in a well-loved international city.

The loft had skylights, and I’d watch stars at night or listen to rain falling — sometimes in long sheets, sometimes in a soft drip-drop rhythm. I knew exactly when rainbow spotting was possible, depending on the sun and rain, so I’d scramble up the ladder to the sleeping ledge to catch not just one, but sometimes a double rainbow arcing over the city I loved. My legs and lower back were often knotted, but I chalked it up to exercise and long hours spent standing.

Then I moved. My new place has a queen-sized, cloud-like bed, and for the last ten months, I’ve been sleeping a solid seven hours, pain-free. The flat is quiet compared to my old neighbors’ partying, and everyone is respectful — so nice. Now, I go to bed between 8:30 and 10, after washing my face, brushing my teeth, and applying enough cream to ward off looking my exact age. I bring a book, read a few pages, pop in my earplugs, slip on a silk eye mask, and turn out the lights. Before this, I take a little nighttime cocktail of Magnesium Calm, Melissa, Melatonin, and Passionflower, which gives me blissful hours and a fresh morning.

Mornings are just as vital. I wake at roughly the same time every day, drink a liter of water, sip some green juice, then coffee, writing, meditation, and exercise. This ritual sets me up for the day — body, mind, and soul ready.

*****

I was taught at a VA meditation course to start with my toes, tense for five seconds then release, all the while breathing deeply. Work your way up the body a part at a time, even unusual parts, like knees. It doesn't feel like anything is happening, but many times, very shortly thereafter, I am soundly asleep.

*****

My story is short and sweet.

I slept like a baby until age 71. After that, I was unable to fall asleep for hours.

Solution: Cannabis gummies, indica variety, 5mg one hour before bed.

Works most nights but I always keep another by my bed in case. Rarely used.

I’m a well-rested, happy camper!

*****

At 9 PM I make a moon juice magnesium/tart cherry juice/sparkling water drink (that my children love to see and yell “oh no, mom’s drinking!!” — the height of comedy to them since they’ve never actually seen it), go upstairs and wash my face and do a red light mask for 20 min (which I believe counteracts the effects of the blue light from the TikToks I watch while doing it, don’t tell me if the science is off). Then I do the rest of my skincare routine, brush and floss my teeth, write in my journal and then read until 10 pm at which point I fall asleep in minutes, it’s wonderful.

*****

I’ve excelled at terrible sleep since I was a kid, averaging 3-4 hrs a night. At sleepovers, I’d stare at the ceiling until the no sleep dread consumed me, then rewatch movies near mute or track down a book and post up in a bathroom or a closet. Whichever was least likely to wake someone up. At home, I’d sneak downstairs to watch pop-up music videos until I passed out in a fortress of blankets and throw pillows. My parents knew to find me on the living room couch. I reached my terrible sleep peak in high school (1-2 hrs) and was prescribed everything, including Ambien. If you’re reading TSB, you can guess how that ended. It wasn’t with sleep.

My twenties alternated between cycles of heavy sleep and no sleep, usually at the wrong times. In sobriety, I have a strict no-nap policy unless I have a fever above 100 degrees. Being in bed during the day echoes all my worst hangovers, shakes, and withdrawals. It also junks up my mostly routine bedtime. These days, I don’t drink caffeine after 1 p.m., try to cool it on screens early, and have a green noise/window AC unit fan/guided meditation combo I can’t believe my next-door neighbor tolerates. Last night, I stayed up until 1 a.m. watching Instagram Reels about how we’re all doomed or in love. I woke up at 7:30. My health app says I averaged 7 hr 19 min in bed per night last month. That seems pretty ok to me given my history. (And it might be time to set my phone to grayscale again.)

*****

fin