I realized today that my spending’s been down. This is because my son has been on vacation with his mom the last few weeks, which means less gas, less time on Texas’s many toll roads, fewer impulse buys, fewer Minecraft mods and less time indoors at game places that somehow always cost $150 per hour. I’m asking what this says about my parenting. Am I failing to form a strong, organic bond with my son, instead raining perpetual amusements on him? Am I parenting like a grandparent?

It’s a regular fear, given that I’m 52 and he’s 8. I worry I look like his grandfather when we’re out together, and that I’ve left all the real parenting to his mom and her partner. Holding the line on rules is in her personality, but I need to ask myself, am I once again judging myself against her, finding myself lacking, like I did when we were together? What would it take for me to gain confidence in my parenting, as its own thing? My son loves me, he’s missed me a lot these past three weeks, he’s a good student and gets along well with his classmates. He starts third grade next week. That can’t all be despite me, right?

“Why am I never enough?” has been an ongoing topic of conversation in therapy for seven years now. I know it’s because I was told my whole childhood I was destined for greatness, and I ended up a three-times divorced recovered alcoholic, but despite finding that root, I haven’t been able to yank it out.

Also, I should correct myself: I haven’t ended up anywhere yet.