My daughter becomes hyperactively crazed about her birthday, and every year her countdown to its arrival begins earlier and earlier. Her birthday is the first week in October, so she began planning for it around late August. Now there wasn’t any huge party attached to it, nothing like that — she just loves the actual number-turning moment, as if it were her personal annual coronation.

A few times, we’d interact with people, and she’d tell them that her birthday was coming up soon, and the people would play along and say something like “Oh, happy birthday, which day is it?” as she bounced in front of them. I loved to watch the confused looks on their faces when they realized it was about five weeks away. 

As we got closer and closer, it would be me kissing her goodnight, and she’d bounce in her bed and squeal, “Only 18 more sleeps until I’m SEVEN!!!” 

What was thrilling for Ivy became something I agonized over because I realized, I didn’t want her to turn 7 so quickly. 6 was good — I wanted more 6. 

But eventually, it was down to one more sleep night, and she was practically hitting the ceiling with excitement, but shooed me away so she could get to sleep faster. I kissed her goodnight in the usual way, but I knew it was not the usual way and wanted to torture myself, so I whispered, “Goodbye, 6-year-old Ivy.” 

However, it gave me a greater appreciation for my own number line, and since I turned 52 on Wednesday, I decided to take the Oldster Questionnaire once again. I believe this is my third or fourth time taking it, but I never look back at my old responses because what fun is that? Goodbye, 51. 

NAME: Albert James (A.J.) Daulerio III

A.J. Daulerio is the founder and editor of The Small Bow. He also hosts The Small Bow podcast. In addition to his work on TSB, he pens the Ask A.J. column for Slate and is a frequent contributor to Care and Feeding. He has a book due very soon, scheduled for publication in 2027, I think.

How old are you?

52

Is there another age you associate with yourself in your mind? If so, what is it? And why, do you think? 

I’d say 40-ish. 40-ish feels like it’s become the default “old but youthful” age so that’s where I’m at: Still full of wonder and ambition.

Do you feel old for your age? Young for your age? Just right? Are you in step with your peers?

I still feel inexperienced, left behind, and not well-traveled. I’m almost always aimless, waiting for someone older to tell me what to do, especially when it requires me to fill out a form or find a parking spot.

What do you like about being your age?

The curiosity! I ask more questions, both internally and to the people I’m talking to in-person, which almost instantly enriches the conversation. Discovering and understanding the similarities between all of us humans makes me feel like we’re all on this ride together.

What is difficult about being your age?

Jumping. It’s amazing how that ability just vanished. I was never able to dunk a basketball or anything like that, but I could definitely jump a few inches off the ground. Every pathetic attempt I take it feels like I’m in danger of dislocating my ankles.

What is surprising about being your age, or different from what you expected, based on what you were told?

That there is a decreased worry or sadness about dying. As much as I read, meditate, study death — Hello Mortal is a great resource for this by the way — I still have my doubts about my readiness. When I was 30, I believed that by the time I’d be in my 50s, I’d be ready. (The comedian Bill Burr did a whole special about how the 50s are the “drop dead” era, when some unexpected heart attack or stroke or cancer wipes you out in a blink.) I asked my therapist, who’s pushing 80, how he felt about it. “Are you confronting your mortality with grace?” He sighed wistfully and appeared deeply ashamed when he answered, “No.” And then he followed it up with “tsores,” which I found comforting.  

What has aging given you? Taken away from you?

Deeper gratitude for small things. Walks are huge, all of them feel very momentous if I’m in the right headspace. As far as taken — well, time, obviously. Time feels like a hemorrhage.

How has getting older affected your sense of yourself, or your identity?

I dislike myself less than I used to. I can sense that lightness and change. Sometimes I feel like my work is closer to art than not, or at least that is my goal.

What are some age-related milestones you are looking forward to? Or ones you “missed,” and might try to reach later, off schedule, according to our culture and its expectations?  

I don’t know if I’m looking forward to anything age-related. I had a Zoom catch-up with a friend the other day who recently turned 60. When I told him it was my 52^nd birthday, he said that this would most likely be the last year before the real physical transformation (and deterioration) begins. So what I’m looking forward to is simple: today. As far as what I feel off schedule about, where to begin? Material assets? A retirement account? A colonoscopy? I can knock one of those off the list this year.

What has been your favorite age so far, and why? Would you go back to this age if you could?

Favorite age was 51. I had some of the highest of highs professionally, parentally, and my recovery was probably as strong as it’s ever been. So sure, another 51 would be pretty excellent.

Is there someone who is older than you, who makes growing older inspiring to you? Who is your aging idol and why?

Honestly — Jimmy Buffett. I feel like his quest to figure it all out was the right kind of quest. And seriously, who wouldn’t want this setting during their final moments? “Jimmy Buffett passed away peacefully on the night of September 1st, surrounded by family, friends, music, and dogs. He lived his life like a song until the very last breath.”

What aging-related adjustments have you recently made, style-wise, beauty-wise, health-wise?

I have attempted to eat less sugar and bread and more vegetables. I’m trying to be better about my sleep habits (which have been abysmal throughout my life). I know I should probably start a very basic skin-care routine that requires an expensive ointment or lotion, but I’m still on the hunt for one. I also recently went back to boxer shorts as my preferred sleepwear.

What’s an aging-related adjustment you refuse to make, and why?

I will always eat cold cuts.

What turn of events had the biggest impact on your life? What took your life in a different direction, for better or worse?

I’m pretty sure I’ve written about the major ones enough by now. Here’s my top five. 1. Recovery 2. Children 3. Death of my close friend 4. Death of my father. 5. That dumb trial.

What is your number one regret in life? If you could do it all over again, what is the biggest thing you’d do differently?

I wasted so much time and energy being hard on myself, even when there was no reason to be. So kindness toward me would have helped me be kinder towards others.

What is high up on your “bucket list?” What do you hope to achieve, attain, or plain enjoy before you die?

The first thing that comes to mind: I’d like to learn to ride a Lime scooter confidently.

Is there a piece of advice you were given, that you live by? If so, what was it, and who offered it to you?

An actor friend of mine tells a story about how when he was in his 30s, he would get so spiteful and angry whenever he would get passed over for a role, or a show of his got canceled, and he’d just agonize and obsess over it. His manager took him out to lunch at some point and told him that the only way he would survive in the business was to make the temporary employment gaps “the fun part.” Obsessing over rejection, demoralization, and insecurity will get you nowhere. Use the time you’re not working to do the things you love or the things you wish you had time to do.

What are your plans for your body when you’re done using it? Burial? Cremation? Body Farm? Other?

Body farm. Let me feed the trees.

What do you expect to happen to your “soul” or “spirit” after you die?

As of today, I would like to have the option to haunt people so let’s go with “spirit” for now.

What’s your philosophy on celebrating birthdays as an adult? How do you celebrate yours?

Same as it has been for quite some time: I buy myself a Kiss album and a few old baseball cards. This year, I bought the Ace Frehley solo album, two Richie Allen cards, and one Gary Matthews rookie card. A Rick Dempsey one has yet to arrive, and I feel like it may be lost in transit, or I may have just been fleeced by an eBay seller, but knowing that it’s out there somewhere, and may one day show up in the mailbox, well, that is another one of life’s great mysteries that I want to stick around for.  

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