I’ve had this terrible run of emotional turbulence during the holidays, which has kept me up late for about two straight weeks now. It’s not even insomnia; it’s this awful cycle I get into where I convince myself that the best way for me to wind down is by watching violent movies on my computer, fighting through exhaustion until enough bodies have piled up.

But I’ve tapped into something much darker this time—a late-night binge of Californication, the 2007 Showtime series starring David Duchovny portraying a truly horrid man-child-novelist who bones and boozes his way through Los Angeles.

In case you don’t know, I’m in the precise moment of middle-middle age where healthy sleep and diet are necessary to ensure my second half of life isn’t spent inside an iron lung. I understand the stakes here, I do, and yet I’m hellbent on finishing all seven (SEVEN) seasons of this show, a show I’m only enjoying because it’s so uncomfortably vile. If this is not true madness, I don’t know what is.

​This whole Californication kick runs counter to how I’ve planned to attack my two other debilitating vices in the new year: 1. Sugar, and 2. Phone usage.

​Here’s my food problem: I know how not to eat poorly(I can lay off the See’s candies, ginger ales, and weird tiny cupcakes for a couple of weeks), but not how to eat well. I have no idea what my body needs to function optimally. Is protein still king? What the hell is fiber?

As for the phone, it was a combination of holiday sludginess and fantasy football playoff season that jacked my usage by an extra 4 to 5 hours per day. To curb it, I’m trying the Forest app, which lets you grow virtual trees by ignoring your phone and staying productive with non-screen activities. I did great the first day—two strong-rooted fir trees grew in my virtual forest as my phone stayed plugged into a kitchen wall for two hours.

But two days later, my diseased mind woke up at 2:30 a.m. to search the netherworlds of Wikipedia to get updates on some of the guest stars featured in season 3 of Californication. Progress, not perfection, in 2026. – AJD

*****

We’re making big moves this year, and we need your help to get there and ensure a smooth transition. Paid subscriptions are huge for us!

​Ok, cue The Mountain Goats.